My old boyfriend died in 2015 (from diabetes) and I’ve been single since then. I also don’t know if I’ll like having sex or not. I am sexually attracted to men/am straight but I don’t know. It’s like the idea of someone doing that to me, I’d find it embarrassing because I’m gross.
I’d find it embarrassing because I’m gross.
It sounds like you’re suffering from depressive issues. Everyone deserves love and nearly everyone is sexually attractive to at least someone. With roughly 4 billion potential mates (give or take a few hundred million), you have what is honestly near infinite possibilities for finding someone who loves you for who you are.
However, it might help to get help for the depression first. Anyway, everyone deserves love and to be desired. That includes you.
You have been single for ten years, it’s time to free yourself and at least try to find someone. As someone else who is single and also struggles with depression and self-image issues, I wish you all the best.
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That’s… Depression.
However, I am not a psychologist. Either way, those are not healthy thinking patterns and you should probably see a therapist to find out in more detail what is happening in your own mind before jumping to a relationship. Mostly because those kind of thoughts aren’t going to magically stop once you’re in a relationship, you’ll just be doing the same thing… just with a partner, who may well be understandably confused and hurt by such thinking.
I strongly suggest finding a therapist you like and trust… and I understand that’s not always easy. It’s definitely easier said than done.
To me it sounds like something other than depression, however it doesn’t matter because you are clearly right, these are extremely unhealthy thinking patterns and it is a symptom of maybe bigger issues you need to address.
And it is true, everyone deserves love and there’s nothing about you that makes you categorically undesirable. Just some things specific people like or don’t like about you.
You should consider talking to a therapist, or at least someone who is not involved with you day-to-day but understands you. Having someone reality check your thoughts, especially those ones, can be extremely helpful to get a better frame of reference against those toxic thoughts, that are often times not rooted in reality.g
If you can question if you’re bad or good, then you’re likely good. A bad person wouldn’t even ask the question.
With that said it sounds like you likely have Major Depressive Disorder along with feelings of some guilt over the partner you’ve lost. My suggestion as a former psychiatrist, is you speak to your general physician, request a referral to see a therapist asap.
In the meantime a good doctor will suggest you start a medication like Prozac (but it can take 6 months to take effect and there’s alternatives like Celexa, Zoloft, Cymbalta). And all I can suggest try getting outside more and get some vitamin B and D, even if it means sitting in your backyard and reading a book for 5 minutes.
Also, the next time these thoughts come up, try practicing controlling your breathing. These thoughts are common now, so you need to try reasoning with that part of yourself, assert yourself over your negative thoughts and calmly remind yourself; you are in control. You can still make changes and it’s never too late for a second, or even third chance.
I agree with the other comment. Everyone deserves love and there is someone who will desire you. I would seek therapy as something that may help, it always help me. Look in the mirror, when your getting ready for your day and say to yourself. "I am beautiful, I am wanted, I am awesome " Do that everyday, because you are. I am positive you have something wonderful to bring to a relationship, and there is someone out there wanting your love in return.
Share something if you like that you enjoy doing, a hobby. What’s the last book you read, or movie you enjoyed. I am interested to learn new things and it can help by talking about things you enjoy.
If you were talking about someone else, you would probably say something along the lines of “everyone deserves to be loved” so when you start being down on yourself, just remember that though means one of two things:
Either you really are somehow the worst human being who ever lived and somehow the first who truly doesn’t deserve to be loved, or your brain is just being mean right now.
The whole notion of “deserve” here is nothing more than a silly story we tell ourselves because other people teach us to believe it. It’s real, but you can change it. So maybe try changing it.
Instead of “I deserve a boyfriend” or “I don’t deserve a boyfriend”, try thinking “This is just a dumb story. It doesn’t mean anything. I either have a boyfriend or I don’t. That’s it.” Maybe it changes something in you. Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it takes time and many repetitions. It doesn’t cost much to try.
Peace.
Yeah, I mean I’ve never just made the decision that I’m gonna find someone to be with. Just live life and work on yourself, all my relationships have just naturally happened through regular social interaction
Let’s keep it simple. Are you doing enough in regards to personal hygiene?
If you are making the effort of washing yourself every day and keeping clean, then you deserve some appreciation.
If you aren’t, then start with that. Raise yourself up so that you can think “I’m fresh as fuck and I deserve some lovin’ for it!” and you’ll be good to go.
Not adding anything of value here; just want to point out your username is based.
Don’t hate durians till you tried one!
I fucking love durians.
tasted very metalic to me :(
Your thoughts are valid. But that’s the thing - they’re just thoughts. They won’t hurt you and nobody will judge you for having them.
Thoughts and emotions flow in and out of your awareness for a reason. If you want to come to a decision, you have to first understand where your thoughts and emotions are coming from. You should analyze them objectively as they come without indulging them further. Kind of like analyzing why movie characters do the things they do but for yourself.
Why do you feel like you don’t deserve a boyfriend? Why do you feel like you’re gross? What do you think is causing these feelings?
It sounds like you’ve got deeper issues than just not having a partner.
If it’s a possibility for you, I highly recommend talking through your self image issues with a therapist.
Don’t have advice, I just want to wish you luck. You’re valid and deserve love, we all do.
