I wonder what causes people who once thought they’d spend their life together to not want to do that anymore.
Has your partner change? Or did they not change when you expected them to? Have you changed?
Have you not noticed each others’ flaws when love was young and the pink glasses still worked and only discovered them later?
And what can your experience teach us about our own relationships?
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She came from a pretty messed up family. Not as bad as some but there was some pretty gross stuff going on. We dated for a long time, maybe 7 or 8 years. We got married, she was safe. And she started to grow and seek therapy. She grew into herself and it turned out we didn’t love each other anymore.
Do you two stay in touch? It sounds like it may have been for the best, if you two grew apart. I hope that doesn’t sound callous to say. I hope you’re both in a great place now.
We got together when she was 21 and I was 34 and we got on a like a house on fire. We split up 9 years later. Turns out you change loads between the ages of 21 and 30, not so much between 34 and 43…
I’ve been with my partner for 13 years and I’d say you still change a lot between 34 and 43, as you put it. The difference is that as we get older, we are usually more accepting of all the little things we used to find annoying.
I find that my core values are stronger, but everything else is less annoying overall. It makes accepting that your partner is changing a lot easier to deal with, so long as their changes aren’t in contradiction with your core values.
There’s no central reason, just a large imaginary orb colored with various reasons.
K couldn’t grow out of weekly spending to spend, or hoping for the impossible. She couldn’t have kids, and she held a lot of it against me for not trying hard enough when I more saw it as her not facing biological, medical reality with what her doctors were telling her, lose weight and maybe, you have a shot. No? (PCOS)
With our parents aging and no one around to take care of them, I was left with a hard decision, spin my tires on someone I had over a decade of attachment to who had grown to hate me or go take care of my disabled mom.
Coin flipped, and while I don’t regret my decision, I still miss her, but I have zero drive whatsoever to have a love life. There’s too much to do, a country in political turmoil and a busy family that I don’t want to damage with someone potentially untrustworthy.
She didn’t change; she finally revealed herself. In short, her attachment type is anxious-avoidant. That shit burns down everything around it. She was jealous AND cheating, which was just rich given that we were ENM/poly. I was so busy with life, work, and my sailboat that I only had romantic bandwidth for her.
I am forever changed. I went on an intensive therapeutic and introspective journey. Anxious-avoidant people can be immensely attractive anxious attachment types like me. I identified that in myself, addressed my own life traumas, and developed my personal boundaries. These days, I’m less poly, more monogamish. I approached dating with explicitly defined intentions and must-haves, rather than just random chance. I found the partner of my dreams, and we’re about to celebrate eight years together.
Early on, there were mutual warning signs, but we both thought we had the tools to face any challenges. As I mentioned, I had poor boundaries, which now would put an immediate end to any such bullshit.
What can I offer now?
- Learn Attachment Theory and know yourself
- Read John Gottman books before and all during your relationships
- Get professional therapeutic help; CBT, DBT, EFT… you might already have all the tools, but a good therapist will teach how to use them in integration
- Learn non-violent communication and/or take a workshop; this will provide massive return on investment in all aspects of your life
- Practice meditation and mindfulness; also pays dividends everywhere
Understanding and addressing attachment styles is one of the most rewarding gifts to give yourself. It’s hard, messy, necessary work. I’m glad you invested in yourself and cultivated a healthier relationship.
Only money and alcohol keep their promises for most of the time. And even they are not 100% reliable. Not even 75%…
Are you ok?
Poor and sober. Can it be considered as ok?
Yes.
We were roommates, along with 4 other people, fresh out of high school. She and I grew closer, and before we knew it we were sharing a room together. Things went good for a couple of years, then we found out she was pregnant. Fast forward like 3 or 4 years, we bought a house. After a long engagement we were finally married, though we had lived together the whole time. Idk exactly why it ended. I was deep in the closet at that time, happy to be the man in the family as it meant having a wife, a son, a house and a car. I knew she would not accept me being trans, let alone pansexual, but again I was happy with my life. We fought for sure, over money and such. I guess we just fell out of love, and grew apart. Idk. After the divorce, she hated my guts, and still seems to strongly dislike me to this day, about 12 or so years later.
We co-parented decently for a couple of years after the divorce, but that fell apart. We haven’t actually spoken to each other in a few years, and I am fine with that. I dislike her, but as she is the mother of our son, I wouldn’t wish anything ill upon her.
I’m sure I was a shitty husband in ways that I did not see at the time, and never really cared to figure out to this day. I’d like to think that I have become a better person, and I think there are plenty of people in my life now that would say so.
I should note that after we divorced, I set up a profile on Grindr, which she found out about. She did not take that well. It was like 4-6 years later that I came out as trans and decided to be my true self.
TL;DR: I really don’t know if there was an actual reason to point to to say why we split up. I guess we both changed as we grew and became adults. 🤷🏻♀️
It sounds like you were really able to make space for yourself after you two separated. To figure out who you were at your core, outside of being a parent and a partner. I’m happy to see you were able to transition and live openly, and I really admire your ability to admit your own mistakes and flaws. Wishing you both the best.
Thank you for the kind words. I’m sure she would have a different take on this, though I will never know. Some things are not meant to have finality I suppose.
🤷🏻♀️
I hope to someday have someone to call my partner again. We’ll see.
My wife started fucking a coworker she supervised, another woman, so she had me arrested, lied to the police and child services, then send my terminally ill mother to the hospital to die so she could move the lover into my house, emptied my bank account, maxed out my credit card, stole my work computers, posesiones, most belongings, and truck, Then blocked me from seeing my child, one I raised as a stay at home dad while she worked/fucked around. I am $18k in debt, with a bullshit arrest record and sleeping in my car.
Do I win?
She flipped on a switch one day and was just a completely different person than the one I fell in love with. Caught her attempting to cheat on me and when I confronted her about it she said she never actually gave a shit about me. She was abusive both verbally and physically. I endured her bullshit for 5 years because I simply couldn’t afford to get divorced and she refused to leave. I am still technically married afaik unless she filed for divorce after I moved out (California only needs one party to file). I cared more about getting away from her than about government bureaucracy.
The whole thing made me stop believing in love, and I trust people a helluva lot less than I did before.
I could write an entire book on the reasons. The main factor was she cheated on me, wanted to make it work, I believed her, she hid the affair for 3 years (not very well) I discovered it again.
Men can be abused too. Yeah, I’m physically much bigger, but there is absolutely no way to defend yourself without looking like the bad guy, which she was well aware of.
She was also terrible in bed. And unfortunately about as sharp as a bowling ball and a few fries short of a happy meal.
Advice: Don’t marry someone just because they are hot.
Now I want to hear more about this intellectual monolith
